Coming Attractions: Bazooka Joe: The Movie

A feature length movie based on the Bazooka Joe comic strip... as many on the internet have already put it so succinctly, WTF??? For real? Bazooka Joe, the star of his own 1" x 2" strip, never even had the clout to be included in the comics section of the Sunday paper. He spent his time pushing his self titled brand of shitty bubblegum. Brand awareness is everything, right? I remember that stuff was always rock hard by the time I got around to chomping it. So, let's think about this for a moment: a standard feature film screenplay is 90-120 pages long. Bazooka Joe's old material takes up 2-3 cells, and was shorter on words than your average Garfield strip. I don't envy the writer in charge of that adaptation. I'm taking bets on what the plot of the movie could be. Bazooka Joe and Mort ride motorcycles through South America experiencing the plight of the exploited proletariat? Bazooka Joe impregnates Jane and she decides to keep the baby, despite the willingness of Toughie and Hungry Herman to adopt it as a co-habitating gay couple? Or maybe something with aliens? Let me know if you have any predictions. I predict this movie will die long before it reaches the screen. At least I hope it will, despite the millions of dollars that are bound to get thrown at it. Give me an adaptation of Walking Dead, or DMZ. Not fuckin' Bazooka Joe. Ludicrous.

- Read the announcement on hollywoodreporter.com